inspiration

the thing about art that nike could never understand, is that there is no "just do it."

rutledge and i were involved in a 50 comment facebook thread about not feeling inspired to do art, but wanting to create something so bad, it hurt.

one of the comments on the thread was from a friend of rut's who told us both, "well, just do it then!"

it's not that easy. when i force myself to create, i often look at what i attempted to create and realize what a complete train wreck it is. then the anxiety and what we call the "duomo effect" begin.

there's a certain feeling of emptiness when i can't create because i know it's going to be junk. there are days in a row that i tell myself not to even try... "lyn, if you pick up that pencil whatever you do is going to look like trash."

the contrived art, or, art that you have to think about when creating it, is, for lack of a better term, poop.

i wish dadams, senior clayton, babbo keller, and bev would send me prompts every week or two so i could at least have some where to start from.

on saturday afternoon i spent hours pouring over photos from italy, dallas, and nashville, trying desperately to be inspired... didn't work.

then i forced myself to pick up some chalk pastels... i know, even after the mantra of "lyn, it's going to be complete crap..." i made myself sit down in front of a piece of water color paper with a big smudge of chalk pastel on it from another project.

i started with some yellow. then to some purple. i was ok with it at this point and should have just walked away... but didn't. i grabbed a garish blue, grey, red, and the worst mistake of all... black. ugh.

i drew a figure that had been in my head and did patches of colors swirling everywhere... i almost threw up it was so disgusting. i picked up a stenciling paint brush and began to blend the colors together, brown, great...

i became mad at the paper. how could it let me do this?

i ran my hands over the paper to blend everything together to get rid of the figure and the swirls and then took a wheat colored yellow and drew a straight line through the middle of the page, filling in everything below the line with that color, trying to hide my horrifying attempt at creation... then filled the top half with blue.

wheat field? florence sky line? make something up?

i thought of a photo i had taken in italy and feverishly began searching for it over the next day and a half. when i finally found the photo, it looked nothing like i thought it did. ugh again.

still have the half yellow, half blue piece of paper... still stewing over what to do with it.

so today, i thought of a tree.  and painted it. i don't completely hate it. maybe i'm on the road to recovery...

I love my job.

One of my precious students told me she's pregnant, I'm glad she did... If she hadn't, I wouldn't have been able to tell her how proud of her I was for not going through with the abortion.

sorry.

so i started teaching in august. it has been a rollercoaster, a picnic, and a nightmare. but i love it.

i coached volleyball, which to be honest was the main reason i didn't post from the time i got the job until now. i was getting home at 8 or 9 everynight, going to bed, getting up and doing it all over again.

i have had my fall break. spent most of it in dallas...

...with nash.

got to see april too!

i had such a wonderful time. i miss nash the second i get on the plane. i knew that going to see him would just bring back memories and feelings... which i was afraid of... now that it's happened...?

i'm not so afraid.

by the way...

I GOT THE JOB!!!

6am

i woke up around 545 this morning to the sounds of my friend nicole packing. she stopped to have dinner and spend the night last night on her way from ohio to gulf shores; a friend of ours is getting married. since mom and dad got home from their trip yesterday, i decided not to go to the wedding. also because i leave for camp a week from today.

last night i was showing my parents my stairwell painting and i realized i really like it.
when i first finished it, i wasn't too crazy about it. now, i can't stop looking at it. there's something about it that draws me in. i love it. i'm finally proud of it.

on thursday i had 2 interviews scheduled, it turned in to 3.
my first interview was at 1030 in nashville @ the east literature magnet high school (the job i really want). i showed up early to the school, saw a girl walk out of the principal's office, he called me in (around 10:15), did the interview thing (not too sure how it went, could have been better). when i walked out (10:37) there was already another girl waiting. he told me he was interviewing a lot of people for the job and that he would let me know one way or the other by the 12th.

my second interview was in columbia with the head of hr for maury co. schools. just a screening to say whether i should even continue with the application process. when my interview was just ending he asked me what i was doing now, i told him going home, he told me that was incorrect. he sent me directly from there to talk to a principal in mt. pleasant @ the school for visual and performing arts (5-8). that interview (the 3rd) went very well, i think. he gave me a tour of the school, then the art room, he wants me to come back sometime this coming week and interview with his team of... i don't know what to call them. but if they like me i'm in.

such a dilemma. the principal at mt.pleasant asked if both jobs were offered to me, which would i take? and at first i really didn't know. i told him i would have to just take some time and pray and think about it. hopefully the job i want is the job i need.

my soul feels better...

i took better pictures of 'stairwell' this morning, much better. from an actual camera and not a cell phone.

stairwell

oil on canvas

18x36

this painting was extremely fun. i needed to create. i am noticing so much more a difference in myself when i am creating and when i am not. much more sane when i have time to actually do art.

click on the pictures for enlargements

thanks to 'mal' for the photo

happy scott rushton day.

i saw this on postsecret this morning and just had to share.

it's official

i'm applying to grad school.

summer

is warm.

the only update i really have is about daddy and i working on the motorcycle. got so much done in the 9 hours we were down there working today. we're getting down to little things like the battery, oil filter, gas tank, seat... "quick" stuff.

went to plaza with mom the other day- needed some paint. needed to paint. i hadn't been able to paint at all this past semester, it was awful. the most art i did was with the kids- and i needed another outlet. i was going insane, as irving stone wrote that i would. (see artist statement below)  so, i scrounged up some supplies, a canvas that had been taunting me since december, and a photo. i worked on it for about an hour last night and was in such a euphoric state that i did about half the painting. so far, i like it. i'm excited to see the completion.

also staring at a pile of other blank canvases, scenes of italy dance around my head... possibly france... germany... czech... switzerland... uk... ugh... i want to go back.

pictures of motorcycles and paintings to follow.

here's to you, matt walters.

don't know that this is the best way to spread the news, but matt walters died after a head on collision with an 18 wheeler.  

matt was a great friend, a hilarious and witty guy. 

probably would not have made it through my freshman year at HU without him. 

prayers and much love to the walters family.